Well my friends, I have some big news to share with you today. Regretfully, it's not that I have figured out a way to achieve world peace or halt man-made ecological disasters, but it's big news in my corner of the universe all the same. I am pregnant. Hang on while I type that again because admittedly, I'm still sitting here in a state of shock: I am pregnant.
For the past three and a half years, Jon and I have been open to expanding our family and it just wasn't happening. Despite the fact that Laurel was conceived pretty much instantly once we decided we were ready for kids. Despite the fact that I did a career 180 so I actually am really happy most of the time (compared to how miserable I was professionally when Laurel was conceived). Despite the fact that I live an uber green lifestyle. Despite the fact that I have made self care a priority in the last year and half and have been in great shape for a while now.
Internally, Jon and I definitely tend away from medical intervention; we don't even own aspirin (for real). So when I didn't get pregnant after a couple of years, I went the route of vitamins and (allegedly) fertile foods and witches brews and therapy (I figured something mental was blocking something physical). At various points, friends and family suggested that I consider various procedures. And while I'm completely fine with people opting for medical intervention when it comes to fertility, it just wasn't the way I wanted things to happen.
So we continued on with life. And as more and more time passed, Jon remained confident that I was fine and it would happen in its own time, while I became increasingly convinced that I was broken. In April, I was feeling pretty low about all of this and after writing a lengthy, extremely detailed post about the topic that I knew I never would publish, I "came out" about my infertility in one sentence.
The response -- both on and offline -- was overwhelming. I cried when I wrote that Sisters post and cried as my community rallied around me in so many ways with support. At the risk of sounding trite, writing that post and feeling the support following was cathartic. And as timing had it, after writing that post, for the first time ever I eagerly awaited my period, given that Eat. Blog. Run. was fast approaching and I didn't want to cancel out on my team (which would have been lame anyway, because I later learned that my teammate Carrie -- who ran about 25 miles of that race to cover her miles + those of an injured teammate -- was around three months pregnant at the time, unbeknownst to the rest of us!).
And miraculously -- following that cathartic post and the seeming liberation of hoping for my period for the first time in years -- I finally felt that I had made my peace on the matter (compared to just saying I had made my peace while secretly hoping that that would trick my body into getting pregnant). All signs seemed to point to the fact that I was done: After years of begging for a sibling, Laurel told me she was OK not having a baby brother or sister. I donated a boatload of my wee baby things to Room to Grow at our Hebrew National picnic drive. Client work and fun projects kept cropping up left and right with little effort on my part. I truly relaxed into the idea that we'd cruise through the rest of life as a three person family. I was totally cool with it. Finally.
And now here we are. I learned that I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, amidst a flurry of family visits and events that meant that Jon and I didn't even have a chance to talk about the fact that I was pregnant until a couple of days later. It was craziness.
So, details. I'm about 8 weeks along and I'm due in March. Mostly I feel great, with the exception of a little fatigue in the late afternoon (just as I experienced with Laurel), and while I'm not experiencing morning sickness (just as I didn't experience with Laurel), my tummy definitely is a little more picky about what it finds appetizing this go round. When I was pregnant with Laurel I was extremely superstitious and we didn't share the news publicly until after I heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks. But this time is different. Admittedly, Jon, Laurel, and I are still in a state of shock (there has been no jumping up and down for joy, mostly sitting here scratching our heads with our mouths hanging open), but we know how lucky we are to be given this unexpected gift since we felt the absence acutely. And I found so much peace and strength in sharing my struggles back in April that I wanted to share now, even though it's early. Because however this pregnancy goes -- up, down, or sideways -- I have a feeling that I will need your support and love throughout.
Finally, some may be wondering whether a new baby will change things here at Boston Mamas. And the answer is: I'm not going anywhere. You probably will see a little more pregnancy/wee baby coverage, I may be a tad more sporadic in posting (or I hope I can rely on my contributors more than I have to date), and I most definitely will continue to be well behind on my e-mail, but otherwise, yes, I want to keep living this journey with all of you.
Thanks for reading. I heart you all.
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