Although the school year is just starting to wind down for many families, for others, the summer months represent a major change: the final phase before kindergarten. Today, Heather shares ideas for easing the transition to kindergarten, useful for extroverts and “shy bunnies” alike. Please leave a comment if you have other great tips to share!
Today, Tracy offers ideas for timeless toy alternatives:
“My younger son just turned 4. In the weeks preceding his birthday, his grandparents called to ask about gift ideas, and as usual, I found it difficult to generate a list. I realized that part of my difficulty is that my kids don’t really play with toys. Gabriel enjoys sports, and likes to be very ‘real’ in his play (moving action figures around just doesn’t cut it for him). Caius likes pretend play and art (current pretend play favorites include being a waiter or groom; a little challenging to find those trimmings at your average toy store).
Although guest contributor Sara Cabot of Little Lettice is one of our family food experts, today Sara – a mom of four children approaching or in their tween years - takes a diversion from nutritional content to provide a review of Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids. Read on for Sara’s review, as well as to learn how to be one of 5 winners to receive a copy of Pressured Parents!
Reader Erica from Northampton wrote in about Frontline program, The Medicated Child, which will air starting tonight on WGBH. The program will address the issue of the increased wave of kids - some as young as 4 years old - being prescribed powerful antipsychotic medications that cause serious side effects, and whose long-term effects are basically unknown.
Whether it’s due to laziness, a desire to not rush the process, or not having a 2nd child waiting for the crib (one of my girlfriends needed to transition her older daughter early to a big girl bed when #2 was on the way, and the older child responded by climbing into the crib, removing her diaper, and leaving an unpleasant surprise…), it occurs to me that we’ve had a tendency to let Laurel’s growth - or, let’s face it, claustrophobia – determine her nest transitions.
And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:
Clever Parents encourages you to do your part through Operation Shower - baby showers for expectant and new moms whose husbands are deployed overseas. Moms’ Buzz features a video to help teach kids to give compliments. The Nest Baby is giving away a gift bucket from American Terry filled with a hooded towel, bubbles, toys, and more. MomFinds is offering up two Hip-Ts to cover your assets. And One Chic Mama is giving away a $100 gift certificate to Ann Taylor LOFT maternity.
Today, Heather shares tips for surviving the nerve wracking early months of preemie care:
“Pregnant with triplets, we knew that our babies would be born premature. Studies have shown that babies born from one to three weeks early have a greater risk of breathing and feeding problems, trouble maintaining their body temperature, greater rates of jaundice, and problems with brain development. I was among the fortunate to carry to 35 weeks (considered full term for triplets). Our trio came into this world weighing 5.9, 4.11, and 3.13 pounds.
Few things characterize the tween/teen years like puberty; or more specifically, who has hit it, and who hasn’t. And if you were in the same boat as me and my peers back in the day, your parents didn't prep you for what to expect and when. Today, PPLM Parent Education Program Manager Amy Cody offers tips to help you talk to your kids about puberty:
As joyful as it is to parent children as they become increasingly communicative and independent, those developments also can, at times, test even the most patient parents. For those who feel as if they’re running on fumes, head to Lynn Lyons and Christine Cook’s Refueling Your Parenting Tank workshop on March 9 at the JCC in Newton. Parents will learn how to work through button-pushing moments and difficult transitions with kids, and the buzz on this workshop – geared towards parents of 3-10 year olds – is that Lyons and Cook are talented educators who provide parents with the ideas and communicative tools needed to refuel and hit the ground running.
Want to win two registrations to this workshop (bring a partner or friend!)? Simply email contests@bostonmamas.com by Feb. 22 (with ‘Refuel’ in the subject).
And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:
Moms’ Buzz offers pointers to help parents help their kids develop self-control. Clever Parents features Rachael Ray’s classic Bayou Fat Tuesday feast. MomFinds highlights a collection of politico tees and bodysuits for the tiniest citizens. One Chic Mama has raves for the hooded personalized bath towel from Alex Casey Baby. Healthy Bump reviews the Fun To See room makeover kit. And Classy Mommy takes a sneak peek into the 1st birthday gift bag for Patrick Dempsey's twins.
And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:
Clever Parents discusses how the old 'eat less' rule of dieters should change, and also includes a fabulous healthy recipe. Moms’ Buzz features tips to help parents keep in mind that their kids are not "little adults," just kids. Healthy Bump thinks BabyBlooms baby bouquets are the perfect gift for a baby shower or new mom. One Chic Mama has raves for The Prego Planner from Braelyn Bounty Bug. And MomFinds is giving away a sterling silver bracelet from Boon.
Are you the parent of a young daughter and are dreading - or already are deeply entrenched in - arguments over questionable clothing choices? Today, PPLM Parent Education Program Manager Amy Cody addresses the question “What to do when your pre-teen daughter wants to wear makeup and skimpy clothing?” Amy offers general guidelines and links to additional resources for strategies and talking points on this tough topic:
Ever since Laurel was an infant, she’s been very particular about the company she keeps, and this trait has persisted to peers (even, I swear, during the phase where it was all just supposed to be parallel play). The socialization issues continue to change as we go along, so I’m particularly grateful for Tracy’s commentary and resource lead on how to cope with difficult friends:
This just in from Jon (my unofficial health correspondent): in today’s New York Times, Elisabeth Rosenthal reports on UK research findings showing that some common food additives and colorings can increase hyperactive behavior and decrease attention span in kids (although Jon cautions that effect size isn’t specified in the NYT article). The British Food Standards Agency has responded by advising parents to eliminate additives and preservatives if consumption couples with behavior change. Interestingly, an MGH doctor makes the point that an increase in hyperactivity may not be clinically significant and worth the social impact of a kid not being able to eat the same food as his/her friends.
Sometimes, parental epiphanies just can’t be gleaned from textbook knowledge. Today, Tracy shares her realizations about the ever-shifting, ongoing process that is behavior shaping in kids:
“You’d think that, as a psychologist, I’d be able to use my skills as a therapist to assist my children in learning right from wrong, what is appropriate, what is not. In a nutshell, how to behave. And, at the very least, you’d think I’d have a firm appreciation for what stage and age they are at, and the “button-pushers” that go along with it. You’d think.
And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:
Cool Finds: One Chic Mama features an eco-friendly solution to make school lunches (and work lunches) a little more green. Classy Mommy’s latest favorite portable diaper changing pad is the Plush Pad by Ah Goo Baby. MomFinds is giving away the HP Presto Printing Mailbox, a printer that lets family members without computers or Internet access receive email updates and digital photos from loved ones.
A mama pal recently told me that her son first uttered “the letter M!” when driving past a mammoth set of golden arches on the highway. Today, reader Erica wrote in regarding AP Medical Writer Lindsey Tanner’s article, Marketing Tricks Tots' Taste Buds, which details research indicating that packaging definitively impacted preschoolers' perception of taste. The study involves a low socioeconomic sample and it wasn’t mentioned whether taste order effects were controlled for, but otherwise, the paired stimuli experimental design offers pretty compelling results.
Preparing for life with 2+ kids obviously involves more than, say, the practicalities of unearthing your layette and transitioning your toddler to a big bed to free up the crib. A cognitive shift in perspective helped clinical psychologist Tracy relieve herself of the guilt stemming from not doing exactly for her second as she did for her first:
“For parents of two or more children, life can sometimes feel like an episode from The Cat in the Hat
And now for our weekly dose of web highlights from some of our stylish blog partners:
Boston Mamas isn’t the only one giving away cool stuff this month! Leave a handy bath time tip at MomFinds for a chance to win a jolly green Boon Frog Pod. One Chic Mama has high praise for the sleek and functional Svan high chair. Classy Mommy has a video review of the adorable handmade Art Smock by Kid O Mine sold at Momtique. And Clever Parents offers advice to handle 5-year-old backtalk that pushes parental buttons.
Inquiring minds want to know: Does your child use bodily fluid as a means to communicate low parental approval ratings?
We finally are nearing the end of an insane two-month stretch where every weekend has involved travel, visitors, or (least fun of all) Jon being away. Not surprisingly, Laurel has not been happy about Jon’s weekend absences, and it appears that she also hasn’t been oblivious to the tight lipped tension or petty squabbling that has occured when my grumpiness and his guilt about these weekends have collided.
Reader Erica from Northampton wrote in to notify us about AP writer Lindsey Tanner’s article Is Video-Game Addiction a Mental Disorder? This weekend at the American Medical Association’s annual policy meeting, the AMA Council on Science and Public Health will lobby for gaming disorders to be included in the American Psychiatric Association’s mental illness manual (the DSM, I assume). Classifying addictive gaming behavior as a psychiatric disorder would serve to raise awareness and allow insurance coverage for treatment. Debate is sure to ensue given potential consequences for the video game industry, and current disagreement about this added classification from some mental health providers.
With the exception of a student I knew in grad school (who unimaginatively fabricated a lab report so there was zero individual variability within each of two comparison groups), anyone remotely versed in statistics knows that there’s always variability around an average; and typically there are plenty of uncontrollable factors (i.e., individual differences) contributing to that variability.
So that’s why, as a parent, I bristle when I hear about mamas whose pediatricians, friends, or family have inspired panic and worry over their kid not walking, talking, or eating exactly on schedule with milestone charts. The same goes for arbitrary cutoff dates, such as kindergarten enrollment. Obviously there is utility and convenience to standards, but variability is not equivalent to failure; and clearly many parents think in terms of the latter.
Coming from a family of 7 where hand me downs were the norm, middle school offered tough love on the fashion front. At lunch, the exclusion factor was especially obvious via a table of girls who set inclusion parameters as owning at least 5 pairs of Guess jeans and 5 Benetton sweaters.
Some great friends kept me grounded during that time, but it’s hard not to feel disheartened that Laurel no doubt will face her own version of this scenario in the future. The good news is that today, our parent education specialist Amy Cody offers a great resource to help you help your daughter survive cliques and other inevitable adolescent nasties:
Preschoolers love helping out, so this morning, in anticipation of tomorrow’s rain, I engaged Laurel to help prep our first garden; she jumped right in with her bucket and shovel to scoop and dump. It didn’t take long for me to turn the soil and Laurel wanted to keep digging, so I brought out a lawn chair and book. It was almost embarrassingly luxurious to enjoy the fresh air, read, and periodically chat about bugs and stones with Laurel while she shoveled away.
Whether you have a little square of yard or indoor pots, try a gardening project with your kids. Yes, it can get messy, but it’s a fun way for them to experience nature, and I’m hoping (but not holding my breath…) that Laurel’s investment in the project might translate to veggie consumption. For those of you interested in joining in…we actually have next to no experience gardening, so we're trying peas, radish, and beets; all allegedly easy to grow in New England. Also, I have heard that you often get what you pay for with cheap grocery seeds so we picked up our seeds at Pemberton Farms in Cambridge. As for process, other than tilling the soil and waiting for rain, we're just going to follow the directions on the packets and hope for growth.
Kids often seem destined for a career in interrogation, what with all of their natural curiosity. Today, guest contributor Tracy writes about a tried and true trick to stop the “Why?” train once you’ve run out of answers. (Editor's Note: This technique proved effective during Laurel’s recent inquisition concerning: “Why does the man [Red Sox player] sometimes spit on the ground?”):
“One of my favorite parenting tips came from an older mama friend I worked with during graduate school. And by older, I mean that her kids were in college, and she was far removed from the 2-year-old dilemmas I faced. Her simple, stellar advice helped stop my second son’s “Why, Mommy?” marathon in its tracks.
These days, it seems as if events oddly align as a directive for my writing. And as much as it makes this mama bear bristle, two recent events pointed me on the trajectory of child safety.
The first event involved chatting with a friend about her daughter’s three-year well visit. Towards the end of the visit the doctor told the three-year old that it was time to check the areas of the body under the underwear to make sure that they were healthy, and that it is OK for a doctor to do this if mommy or daddy are in the room. Not surprisingly, my friend couldn’t help but think, “Crap, it’s already time to start talking about this stuff?”
Sometimes Grandma really can save the day.
The other day when Jon was on the phone with his mom, and Laurel was – in a no nap state of post-dinner psychosis – running around the house screaming happily into a digital tuner (she just learned that the tuner reacts to her voice), Jon’s mom made an excellent suggestion: don’t squelch the self-expression, just contain it in a can.
It’s almost embarrassing that I (what with the fancy training in acoustics and auditory perception…) didn’t think of this and it worked like a dream. In this instance, we dumped out a cylinder of blocks, tossed the metronome into it, and told Laurel to try yelling into the can to see if she could make the tuner blink (shown). Everybody won. Laurel got to get the craziness out of her system (and subsequently exhausted herself into a quick slumber that night), the painful sensation in our ears was alleviated, and we were able to avoid the tired (and usually ineffective) flat out “no.”
When I was a kid, birthday parties were just immediate family, due in part to the facts that: 1) there were barely enough chairs for our household of 7 kids, parents, and grandparents; 2) activities like sleepovers, field trip chaperoning, and friend birthday parties were off my parents’ cultural radar; and 3) our home was in a fairly steady state of disrepair and disarray.
And while Laurel’s birthday guest list tends to be long due to the many wonderful friends and family we have in the area, part of me is acutely aware that the reason I become, for example, a lunatic baker around her birthday is pure residual overcompensation. I don’t need my therapist to tell me that.
Coping with sibling rivalry is an expected part of the parenting journey, but what a drag for one of my mama pals that their first experience with rivalry presented itself in the form of poop smeared all over the crib formerly belonging to the older sibling, likely not coincidentally following the baby sister’s first snooze in the crib.
ParentCenter and AskDrSears offer useful advice on how to cope with sibling rivalry by preparing and involving the older sibling before and after the baby arrives. Related to my friend’s experience, ParentCenter notes that aggressive behavior, particularly from 2 year olds, is common. It seems that communication will be the big challenge; you need to find a way to encourage the sibling to talk about their feelings of jealousy and anger and relate that it is normal to feel this way (but not acceptable to act out towards the younger sibling), while curbing your own fuming and potential urge to punish (which could invoke more aggressive behavior). Click here for our post on time-outs, which may serve well in situations like this.
A feverish child has left me a little behind the eight ball the last few days, so I’m behind in reporting on a recent New York Magazine article on the effects of praising kids. Local reader Melanie from Arlington wrote in highly recommending not only checking out the article, but also listening to the NPR On Point interview with Po Bronson, the author of the New York Magazine article, and Carol Dweck, the lead on the research study that provided the catalyst for the feature.
Never was the difference between the handling of boys vs. girls more humorously apparent than during a park visit a while back. I held Laurel’s hand as she crossed a suspended balance beam repeating, “Go slowly Laurel, be careful!” (The suspension cables looked particularly unforgiving.) Minutes later, as we crossed the next obstacle, we saw a father jumping up and down alongside his son (who was of a similar toddler/preschooler size) at the balance beam, saying “Go! Go! Go! Run across as fast as you can!”
No doubt boys and girls are raised differently, and they also have different needs, some of which have trouble getting fulfilled in our current societal structure. This topic has not escaped the pros, and this morning, Jon (my husband) steps in with a guest post, offering his impressions of the PBS documentary Raising Cain: Boys in Focus.
Fast and furious developmental changes are par for the course with preschoolers, but Laurel really blew my doors off the other day when she started coloring within the lines.
I was fulfilling requests to draw ice cream cones on the Aquadoodle; after I drew a cone with sprinkles, Laurel grabbed the water pen and slowly started filling in all the blank spaces around the sprinkles, staying within the borders, until the entire scoop was colored in. I was both amazed and mildly concerned, given the bad rap that coloring within the lines can get. The psychologist in me couldn't help but wonder whether anyone has probed relations between coloring rigidity and personality traits.
A couple of weeks ago the dreaded preschooler whining began; Laurel was a fairly constant source of intense emotions and whining and we quickly found ourselves exhausted and wondering where our sweet girl had gone.
I was relieved to find a couple of useful articles about children and whining from ParentCenter and ParentingKidsRight. We decided to work on two points consistently, however tiring and repetitive it got. First, whenever Laurel whined, we pointed out how whining sounded different from regular speech. Second, we didn’t give in to whining; any time she asked for something by whining we told her kindly and firmly that we wouldn't respond to a whining voice but that if she would like to try asking again in a polite sentence we’d be happy to get her what she needed.
In just a couple of weeks the results have been amazing. After a few repetitive and tedious days of chanting our whining mantras, we actually started to see Laurel open her mouth to ask for something (presumably by whining) then stop, think, and ask in a polite sentence. Whining still occurs periodically but by far no longer is the norm.
The time it takes for a child to adhere to new rules obviously will vary, but in this and other parenting situations we have found the greatest success by keeping our behavior consistent, even when the repetition is tiresome.
Witnessing a child’s language development is an amazing piece of the parenting journey and we have been blown away by Laurel’s sense of humor and all of the jokes she has been making lately. I was interested to read a toddler humor article citing that research suggests that humor is learned, not inherited; this can only spell trouble for our future given that dry sarcasm is one of the foundations of our household (click here to learn more about how to encourage a child’s sense of humor.)
Meanwhile, more evidence for the case file regarding nurture over nature in the humor department. As we walked by Kotobukiya in Porter Square yesterday, the whole family started giggling madly when we saw this homage to the Red Sox’s recent acquisition, Daisuke Matsuzaka.
Let’s just hope that Matsuzaka doesn’t show up to spring training with no pants on.
Last month, as part of my flurry of life transitions, I decided to decrease Laurel’s preschool schedule so we could spend more time together.
The first week of the new schedule I was terrified that I had made a horrible, horrible mistake. In addition to finding myself amidst a bad week replete with personal and professional self-doubt, Laurel began presenting with some startling Jekyll and Hyde moments. In retrospect, quantitatively, her sweet moments far outweighed the nasty ones, but the nasty ones really made an impact.
As someone who believes in positive energy, good mojo and the like, one of the most challenging aspects of parenting a headstrong, adventurous preschooler is dealing with the “no” factor (whether it’s her or me saying it). I found that on my end, “no” became a reflexive response to all things dangerous or troublesome but I disliked charging our interactions with that sort of negativity, plus it didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.
ParentCenter provides some useful tips on alternatives to “no.” And while it definitely takes extra brain power to inhibit the “no” response and rephrase statements in a positive orientation, we’ve had success diffusing potential battles with this method, or by offering choices, or just by asking Laurel about something completely unrelated (i.e., distraction method). Positiveparenting.com also offers a helpful feature on coping with power struggles; I especially liked the analogy of refusing to “pick up the other end of the rope” of a power struggle; that by side stepping the battle you are able to convey that you aren’t going to fight, hurt, overpower, or give in to them.
It’s mid-afternoon and I still haven’t shaken my decidedly non-Zen morning that involved running through the shower, then locking horns with Laurel over the topics of eating breakfast, getting socks and shoes on, not playing with markers, etc., in order to get out the door to day care. Not surprisingly, my attempts to explain how our lateness impacted my ability to meet several deadlines this week weren’t going anywhere.
We finally got out the door and then, in the day care parking lot, as I pulled Laurel out of her seat, she said: “Where’s Baby-O”? My heart sank as I realized that we had left the house without her beloved Asian baby.
Laurel started crying and I felt my blood pressure elevate markedly, but given that Laurel is going through another clingy phase and drop offs haven’t been great these days (unless her BFF Gracie is there) I got in the car, and, swearing vigorously under my breath (okay, I was swearing out loud…), raced home to get Baby-O.
I suppose Laurel’s cheery expression when I gave her Baby-O should have been enough to erase my frustration, and the loop around only set me back another 15 minutes, but somehow I felt completely wronged by the situation. I wondered, what are the limits to requests, especially now that we’re in the classic toddler phase where the requests come fast and furious? Given the variables, would you have gone back to get Baby-O??
As Laurel’s world of words has continued to grow by leaps and bounds, we’re reminded daily of just how observant she is, and how imaginative. About a month ago, one way her imagination began evidencing itself was through nightmares. She woke up crying in the middle of the night, and we soon learned about her fear of animals and people coming into her room; among them, a character named Ya Ya the Yellow Cat.
There’s little to do about nightmares other than provide comfort and calm during the day and the nighttime episode itself, but one method that has worked beautifully for us is using Laurel’s language abilities to advantage. Asking questions about her nightmares and listening to her responses shows Laurel that we take her seriously, and has allowed us to reverse the polarity of some of the nightmares over time.
Jon actually was the first to learn about the origin of Laurel’s fears; her big room in our new home, the dogs barking in the yard next door, and the noisy entry downstairs all seemed to contribute to her fear of unwelcome guests. Jon used conversation (and a little bedtime song he came up with) to convey to Laurel that no one came into our house unless one of us said so, and that her room was a safe and peaceful place. And as he asked more questions about Ya Ya the Yellow Cat, he also reminded her about other yellow things and neighborhood cats that she loves; over time, and with these positive associations, Ya Ya became a friend not foe.
It doesn’t take much to push a parent’s worry button, and the source often is another parent, either in an attempt to make conversation, or enlist you as an accomplice in their web of worry.
The other day during day care drop off another parent commented on Laurel’s maturity (a relative term, of course), looked at the birthday board, and said gravely, “Oh, you’re going to have the same problem as us.” The problem being that both of our kids were born in early September; we thus would just miss the typical cutoff date for kindergarten (August 31 or September 1 in many Mass. towns) and be relegated to an extra year in pre-school.
The topic of TV and kids clearly invokes worry and guilt in parents. I’ve recently talked TV with two of my second time mom friends (both expressed concern about letting their 2 ½ year olds watch cartoons), and also with a dad pal who cut the cord on TV when his daughter was born, and who has been alarmed by media reports describing potential links between TV intake and autism or ADHD.
Two elements from these discussions are interesting; the first being the parental inner critic, the second being academics and media. I’ll consider each of these in turn.
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