To be perfectly honest, my dad was not the easiest person to have as a parent; he was strict and his expectations extremely high. He wanted my siblings and me to be #1 students, #1 citizens, and to make a #1 impact on the world professionally and as parents. My siblings and I endured some (now seemingly) comical manifestations of these expectations, such as being instructed to drop and do 5-10 push ups for every incorrect answer when we were quizzed on vocabulary (I still wonder how I made it out of adolescence lacking both an impressive vocabulary and killer upper body strength). Yet despite the pressure, and through the years, my dad’s lessons clearly made an impact on me. So without further ado, for my March of Dimes mom post I wanted to share some of these lessons, which are relevant for fathers and parents in general.

The value of work. Though at times I resented how extreme my dad was about developing a strong work ethic, there’s no doubt that this is a major part of who I am today. As kids, my siblings and I worked long hours in the family business and as I grew older, I always assumed that there wasn’t anything that couldn’t be achieved by hard work, whether it was working crazy hours to put myself through college or forgoing sleep to meet absurd work deadlines. And while I don’t necessarily want such extreme circumstances for Laurel, I do believe that kids benefit from learning about the value of money and work.

The value of helping others. I’ve always felt committed to helping others (I even recently filmed a webisode on the topic), no doubt due in part to my dad’s lessons. As kids, we were one of the few families on a street filled with elderly people, and during the winter my dad marched us up and down the street to shovel out the driveways and walkways of our elderly neighbors. Similarly, I find myself engaging with Laurel a lot over the topic of kindness and giving; these conversations are easy…I think she inherited my dad’s generous heart.

The power of one on one time. With seven kids in the mix, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for one on one time. Not surprisingly, some of my strongest childhood memories include a couple of solo outings I had with my dad. If you have more than one child, try to give your kids the gift of one on one time, even if the time is brief.

The power of laughter. My dad typically was very seriously focused on working to support his family, but nothing cut tension and lifted the family mojo faster than hearing his big, generous laugh. It’s amazing that such a simple thing is so powerful.

Express affection. It wasn’t until my dad’s later years that he softened and became more forthright about expressing affection. And oh how I gobbled it up, just like a little kid. Don’t forget to give your kids plenty of hugs and kisses, even if you’ve collectively had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Continue bucking the trend. One thing that never failed to amuse my dad was how different fatherhood is for our generation. He seemed both incredulous and admiring of Jon’s stories of wrestling with the domestic, whether it was dinner or diapers. I am so grateful that fathers today are so much more involved; I hope this trend continues to evolve.

Ask for a better deal. My dad was the ultimate bargain hunter; he became famous for pushing back with salespeople, saying, “C’monnnnnn, give me a good price!” As a kid this used to embarrass me but it completely rubbed off on me; I often find myself asking for a better deal. And remarkably, I’ve found that sometimes you just have to ask; the offer is available but just not publicized.

Dream big. Growing up, I tended to feel as if my dad’s high expectations simply were attributable to general crazy parental pressure. That was probably part of the equation, but later it occurred to me that his expectations also reflected his faith in my siblings and me to make things happen. I’m glad that he helped me learn to dream, otherwise I likely would have never had the chance to write this post.

This may sound obvious, but I can’t emphasize enough: don’t take people and time for granted. Let go of old baggage so you can experience the good in people you care about in the now. I miss my dad tremendously, but I’m so grateful that I carry him and his lessons with me every day.

Image credit: Dad with Laurel, October 2004

“Small children tantrum; sometimes in a big way. And sometimes in a public place. We manage tantrums just fine at home, but less well on the playground, or at the public library, market, or mall. Why? Because it's embarrassing to watch Alex collapse to the floor and go completely out of control when everyone (or so it seems) is watching/judging how we deal with this tiny tornado. Here are some tips for coping with public displays of tempestuous behavior:

Tantrums may just be a toddler-style text message. Tantrums can signal that our ever growing children have feelings and opinions about the perhaps contradictory restrictions we constantly (necessarily) impose on our them: wake up, get ready, eat your greens, don't eat the dirt, slow down, hurry up, use your words, be quiet, watch this video, don't watch TV, etc. In other words, toddlers tire of their mamas and papas pushing and prodding them (or so it seems to them) and they rebel in the only way they developmentally are able. It's not implausible that they act out of control when they feel we are controlling their harnesses (metaphorically speaking) too tightly. If we are seeing too many tantrums - public or private - maybe we need to reappraise our restrictions and lighten up where we can.

Conversely, is your child begging for more limits? We used to belong to a babysitting co-op with a family made up of two laissez faire parents and their two sons. The boys painted on their formal dining table, fashioned weapons from sticks, and ran around the back yard terrorizing my two little girls. And they disrespected other adults to such an extreme that I still carry an image of another six foot six inch tall parent picking up one of the boys and speaking to him - albeit, gently but firmly - eyeball to eyeball. These boys were begging their mild mannered, but well meaning parents to impose some limits on them; limits that a small child is not developmentally able to impose on himself.

Try to read your toddler's mind and reflect those feelings back. Is your baby overtired, hungry, getting sick? Or is there a stress that's less obvious, more esoteric, and more emotional? Did they have a bad day at day care? A skirmish with their older sibling or best friend? Often when I returned home after a day away, Jessie might throw her stuffed animals and slam her bedroom door on me. It took me several of these outbursts to figure out that maybe Emmy, our older, was capturing the babysitter's attention too readily and Jessie was floundering. I tried these thoughts out on Jessie, after she had calmed down (the actual tantrum definitely is not a teachable moment), in words she understood. I'll never be certain whether my offerings were apt, but lo and behold the tantrums stopped. Maybe Jessie appreciated my attempt to understand her. Kids do.

Do remember that the less you have invested in this toddler scheme, the better. Feeling fury and yelling at your tantrumming two year old to "STOP, RIGHT NOW!" is not going to work well. If you must speak to your child during their outburst, talk in as objective a tone as possible, simply stating, "I know you're mad (sad, frustrated…) right now, but I need to keep you (and me) safe so I'm going too hold you (take you outside or over here…). Counting to three and taking a few cleansing breaths also helps. Honestly.

Bottom line. Nobody - children nor parents - behaves perfectly. Never. Nor should any of us aspire to that. We need to give our children some slack to be tired, hungry, and mad. We also shouldn't be too hard on ourselves or too invested or feel as if we're the only ones when a tantrum erupts. Remembering this can be calming.”

Image credit: Original illustration by Posh Peacock