When In-Laws Become Grandparents
Today, Judy (also of Talking Thirty) shares 6 tips for negotiating in-law to grandparent transitions:
When you have kids, not only do you become a parent, but your in-laws become grandparents -- sometimes overzealous ones who suddenly want a lot of contact. This can be fantastic when you are blessed with wonderful in-laws, but I know many people who are not so fortunate -- the most common complaint being that the frequent visitation requests become burdensome (e.g., time to tidy the house, make food, explain how to handle things, etc.) rather than fun or helpful. Today I wanted to share 6 things to keep in mind to help you adjust your perspective as everyone tries to sort out their new roles.
1. Think of visits as special occasions. Reframe your perspective on visits and think of them as an opportunity to get out of your ho-hum routine and plan something special that your whole family can look forward to, such as trying a new restaurant, visiting that museum exhibit everyone's been talking about, or taking a leisurely drive up the shore.
2. Forget entertaining. Let go of the feeling that you need to make your house perfect and entertain, especially if your in-laws are visiting for an extended stay or visit frequently. You are family; it's OK for them to see that you aren't Martha Stewart (they've probably already figured that out!).
3. Enjoy the extra help. No doubt your in-laws will remember how challenging it can be to run a household with young children and will want to lend a helping hand. Don't be afraid to show your in-laws how you do things in your house and give them opportunities to help out.
4. Let the love and bonding happen. Despite whatever friction you may experience together as adults, your in-laws' desire to be around your kids ultimately is a reflection of love and devotion. That's all good. Also, kids benefit from developing close bonds with other caring adults (besides their parents). Frequent visits are a wonderful way to let the love and bonding happen.
5. Enjoy the cross-generational benefits. Spending time with a grandparent can be a wonderful learning opportunity. Your kids will gain exposure to someone with a different world view and life experiences, as well as insight into a different generation (and perhaps different cultures) with its own games, fables, and nursery rhyme verses.
6. Enjoy time off the parenting clock. Your in-laws want to see the kids so why not enjoy the opportunity to go "off the clock"? Plan date night (or a night away!) with your partner, and/or getting together with your girlfriends, and/or time by yourself to hit the gym, window shop, get a manicure, or do nothing whatsoever.
Do you have other solutions for sorting out new roles as parents and in-laws? We'd love to hear them in the comments below!
Image credit: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Comments
So are your in-laws close by? Mine used to be 45 min away so when J was an infant, they'd visit almost every weekend. The only thing I minded was that they'd say they bring us lunch, but then didn't, which they told the hubs about, but the hubs didn't tell me, so you can imagine how disappointed/upset/angry I was (already in a state of hormonal imbalance). I digress.
Now my in-laws are 3 hrs away, so when they visit, it IS special. We do get out of the house. Either that or I get to nap! LOL! (alludes to #1 and #3).
And I certainly try to tidy up, but don't stress over cleaning when they visit. I do make the hubby scrub the toilets though. Actually, he does that himself b/c he'd be embarrassed to leave them as-is. We also clean the dogs' eyes (I know, weird thing) b/c MIL always has SOMETHING to say about their dirty eyes (I know, weird thing).
I hope that as J grows up, him and the grandparents will share cross-gen benefits. I haven't seen it quite yet.
When we visit the in-laws, we always TRY to have a date night -- movie, dinner, both. It's great if we're not already too tired from driving ;).
For me, my tip to myself is (1) don't set any expectations from family visits -- good or bad. I used to think that we were together, they'd take over and I could rest. Sometimes it happened. Sometimes it certainly did not. If I expected it, and didn't get it, I'd be SO upset. Which wasn't good for anyone, especially the hubs. So I've learn to just go with the flow and expect that it'll be "business as usual", ie. Hubs and I will share parenting responsibilities. Another tip is (2) go with the flow. I'm a planner. They're not. So when we're getting together, I just go with the flow. If anything'd be too disruptive for J, I chime in but other than that, I just sit back and go with the flow. I know this will be difficult for some moms.
Sorry about long comment!
Posted by: Lisacng | July 19, 2012 2:04 PM | Reply to this comment
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Lisa. I like your tip to "go with the flow" and really wish I could use that one in my own situation, but that doesn't come easily to me as I am a big planner (like yourself) and a textbook Type A personality.
Posted by: Talking Thirty | August 7, 2012 11:58 AM | Reply to this comment