I can't say we have figured this out completely but I'll tell you a couple of things we've done---we used to give the kids dessert (usually a popsicle) every night but switched it to just "fruit dessert" during the week with a more "fun dessert" after dinner on the weekends---e.g., a small cup of ice cream. There was hardly any griping about this at all. I try to have a ton of fruit available so that they usually ask for fruit several times a day. For a few days after a "candy holiday" (Easter, Halloween), I let them eat what they want and then it goes away. I've tried to let them stretch it out and have just a piece or two a day but I think that actually is worse for their teeth---plus, a lot of the candy they get is pretty gross, so I don't mind tossing it after they've eaten their favorites.

You and I must have just had a mind meld! The other day I posted an article on negotiating dessert with kids and even used the same image. Clearly, great minds think alike.

Here is the link to my article, which includes some great tips on how to negotiate the dessert challenge with your kids:
http://whatscookingblog.com/2009/04/06/negotiating-dessert-with-the-kids/

I'm lucky that this is one area where I don't have conflict with my 6-yr-old! I give most of the credit to the babysitter he was with 20-30 hr per week from 6 mos to 2.5 yrs. She made soup, bread, tiramisu, everything from scratch. I don't eat many sweets, but think he had some sweet snack a couple times a week with her. The result is that he's really not into sweets. I've seen him set down a just-opened dumdum to dive into a fruit plate. We've been through a phase where we each at 1 ice cream cone per day, (I was going through a rough patch) and once had a banana split for supper, but if there is ever a battle over sweets, it is almost certainly over control. If I give in, or if he successfully grabs it, he nearly always sticks it in his pocket 'for later'. I'm sure that you would've had Laurel choose between the cookie and the Easter basket had you had a choice. In our situation, if he had asked politely and confirmed that he was willing to give up something else for it, or pay for it with 'his own' money (I let him have the change when we go shopping), I would probably have let him have it. I don't know if that works for a cookie-monster-kid.
My major gripe about sweets is using them as rewards. My son wouldn't even take the dumdum the first time a preschool assistant pressed one into his hand. I'm certain that setting candy up as something great you get for doing really well has elevated its status in my son's eyes.

As it turns out, my almost 5-year-old doesn't have much a sweet-tooth, but he does have a serious penchant for McDonald's...introduced initially by grandparents, and sadly reinforced by occassional convenience dinner stops by us. After the din of weekly cries for McDonald's became to much, I sat down with him and explained, in clear pre-school English, why eating McDonald's isn't a good idea -- it's junk food (regardless of how much they fresh food-coat their marketing), plain and simple. Junk food doesn't power your body the way you need in order to run, jump, play, etc. With him, it's all about explaining the "why" if the answer is no, and usually it works. I still get requests for McDonald's (because, let's face it, it tastes darn good), but he backs down almost instantly when I say no now.

Jen, thanks for your comment; it reminded me of something interesting. Laurel also has a money jar, where if she really wants something, we discuss it and she either pays for it or we pitch in with her. The funny thing is that she has never asked to buy sweets -- instead, it's always art supplies or something.

And similar as with your son, I think that even if I had bought the basket I'm sure that she would have just brought it home since her stomach was already full, or maybe had a tiny bite and brought the rest home. It was more about acquisition.

Perhaps sweets are not on her mind all the time; but rather, are hard to not reflexively ask for when they're right in front of her, or at a (now conditioned) time like after a meal. And then at that point (I find depending on mood... e.g., if she's tired and cranky it's worse) it can turn into a power struggle thing.

Christine, loved this post. I really think your experience is pretty universal, and having the pleasure of seeing you first hand with your very, very "Sweet" Laurel, I think you handled things beautifully. Funny thing...On the drive back to NY, I mentioned to David how impressed I was with your response in the car to the "Sweet" episode and upon pulling up to the Meridian when it was time for the playdate to end. May not have the exact words, but you said something like, "Because that's what we're going to do". Very matter of fact. No huge discussion or trying to over rationalize, which I have a tendency to do. Molly heard me sharing this with David and responded with, "Mom, you should do that more. I bet you can't do that for a month." Hate to say it, but the girl is right! I've been trying it, but so far it's not working for me. I reminded Molly I'm doing it for a month and she had a meltdown,lol.

This is a really great post, and timely for me as well. I have a wicked sweet tooth myself - always have, probably always will - and have virtually no willpower when faced with the various bowls of candy that pop up around my office at holidaytime (like Easter). I also like to bake, and so we often have sweets of various types around my kitchen. I'm lucky that my daughter isn't crazy for sweets, but we've definitely locked in a few dessert battles in recent months. The best strategy that I've found - good for kids and grownups - is to create a norm in which dessert is ALWAYS composed of both fruit and a little treat. Dessert is generally also only once a day, and I usually keep sweets out of the lunchbox. With spring coming and me thinking about getting in better shape, I know that I have to deal with my own sweet tooth, and this post is a great reminder that the same issues apply to the whole family!