Anytime someone else takes care of your child, you are giving up some control - a lesson I learned the first week my son started full-time daycare. If you are truly concerned about your child's health or safety, you need to find a way to assert yourself. Interactions with MIL's can be especially delicate, so one idea is to work together with your MIL to create a "menu" for the days she watches the grandkids. If the kids are old enough, they can help too.

I would take a different approach. Be up front with the MIL. Tell her that if she doesn't follow your guidelines then she will never see her granddaughter ever again. simple. it's my child so it's my way or the highway. your choice MIL.

Given that I have a son with severe food allergies, this topic infuriates me. He's now 5, so he's well-versed in the rules about not eating food that didn't come from home. Despite this, we have had relatives (not my MIL, thankfully) offer him foods he clearly cannot have (i.e., ice cream...he's allergic to dairy, eggs and peanuts, so this is wrong on so many, many levels). We have worked very hard to educate people about the difference between food allergy and food sensitivity, but, in some cases, to no avail.

we are blessed with a spectacular daycare who has changed the eating habits of the entire place so that my two boys (the younger has not yet been exposed to some of the allergens at age 2.5 for safety reasons) can eat healthy foods that will not make them severely ill, if not hospitalized, or dead. If a group daycare setting can do it, so can a MIL!

I sympathize with those who feel stuck in these situations. However, given how frightening it is to watch your child have an anaphylactic reaction I would simply not tolerate the situation. In my case, I absolutely cannot take chances, and I have relatives who insist on believing that a little bit won't hurt, or he should keep trying it regularly to get him used to it, because, after all, who in the world doesn't drink milk, right? I would be looking for alternative care arrangements, because little tummies (and lives) are too important. Generational feeding issues aside, MIL has to respect the wishes of the parents, it is unacceptable not to.

Hmmm... tough to set ultimatums if you desperately need the childcare. I like the idea of working with MIL to set menu. Would give them the sense that they were involved... same principle with kids, where anything you want to do (e.g., putting on shoes) goes faster if you involve them in the choice process.

This *is* worrisome, because how can you relax if you can't trust your caregiver? The grandparents in our lives, fortunately, respect our food wishes (we do have high allergy risk) for the most part (a little more dessert than I would usually give, but only after approval). However, if this was a problem I would be extremely clear that this is a life or death situation, that if wishes were not respected the children could not be left without your supervision, and that you would be very saddened to have to have things come to that. I would also suggest a joint visit to the doctor/allergist to have the point driven home.

Has your friend considered enlisting her pediatrician's help? Sometimes mothers of a certain generation will listen to doctors where all other pleas fall on deaf ears. (While we never had this kind of issue, our ped was great about saying, "Blame me! I'll be the heavy and the bad guy!" on matters of this ilk.)

It could be as simple as making up a list of "OK foods" and "forbidden foods." Perhaps saying there's concern about food allergies, and doctor's orders are [insert your own orders here].

And if your friend doesn't mind, maybe she could involve her MiL on authorized first foods - you know, saying, "Junior can have this food on this date - would you like to be the one to give it to him?"

YMMV, of course.

But I do have to agree with those who have expressed concern about the larger issues... MiL has to learn to respect the parents' wishes, and recognize that they are the decision-makers. If it's this much of an issue now, good lord, what will the future hold? And given that there have been negative consequences (i.e., a rash after a feeding incident) and the behavior continues - that really, really concerns me.

This is a safety issue. If MIL doesn't respond to mom and dad's feedback (pardon the pun) then MIL doesn't get to see the child, plain and simple. MIL may find this harsh, but really, her behaviour is the issue here, and needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think that the my way or the highway is a little harsh, considering it is in general the parents who are receiving the benefits of free childcare from the grandparents. Working alongside people and making joint, well thought out decisions will go a long way in allowing an MIL or anyone else for that matter, feel apart of the process and therefore take ownership or responsible. The alternative of course is to pay the $15 - $20 an hour babysitter from Craigslist, who seldom have you or your families' best interet at heart. For those of you that are fortunate enough to have parents or in-laws around to help out with your children, you are very fortunate. If they are willing and able to participate in raising your children take every opportunity to include them. After all, they were either you or your partner's parents, they must have done something right!